I Didn't Mean It

I Didn’t Mean It

It’s hard to say just why I’m here –
I know the reason deep inside –
and I no longer want to hide
in the dark crying remorseful tears.

I came to tell you of my sorrow,
my shame and my self-hate,
now, before it is too late;
you may not be here tomorrow.

The memories of the time when we were young
like dark clouds now shadow my brain,
releasing tears of regret like rain;
a hymn of mourning sadly sung.

The pain I feel now is my own fault;
it’s the pain I caused you then,
that very first and last time when
my hand in yours you caught.

Your trembling fingers grasped my own,
kitten-weak, pleading for me
with your eyes that mine might see
how truly you were alone…

My heart was cold as frozen snow –
I cared truly for no other –
and be you or be you not my brother,
I did not want to know.

We each the other barely knew,
being so often separated,
and as our lives were like stories narrated
the gap between us grew;

a gap we never truly bridged,
remaining cold and so detached –
like Yin and Yang; opposites matched –
our interaction cold and ridged.

But now, seeing you lying here,
I’d do anything, pay any price,
to know of you, to break the ice
and hold you close, my brother dear.

All those feelings that I hid…
every last one is true.
I swear I never meant to hurt you
but that doesn’t change the fact I did.

Now I fear the way I treated you –
turning away, brushing you aside,
to myself having so deeply lied –
I truly dread that you might too…

But your hand weakly brushes mine –
I grasp yours and weep against it
and I know we both have sensed it –
we are still brothers after all this time.

I can’t make up for years of pain,
but I now must help you live
whilst trying to myself forgive;
knowing that you have will keep me sane.

And so, my brother, I’ll let you rest,
lying in the arms of sleep,
overwhelmed that love can run so deep,
at peace now having confessed.